I never saw myself starting a blog. To be honest, I didn’t think I had a story worth telling, or that what I did have to say wouldn’t matter to anyone. My friendship group have been telling me otherwise, as have my mental health care professionals. I’m slowly learning to believe them.
I guess it would be worthwhile giving you an insight into how I came to this position.
I grew up in Hobart, specifically in Glenorchy, in the northern suburbs. I actually enjoyed growing up in the salvos to be honest. I liked the roll your sleeves up and get dirty doing ministry, plus, I loved the music. There were heaps of opportunities for music/creative arts back then. It still exists to an extent now, even if brass bands are dying off.
Anyway, I bring this up because for a long time, I lived my life by the Salvation Army. I wanted to have the “right” life. Wife, kids, house, ministry in music. The works.
I first felt something wasn’t “normal” when I was in grade 4… I realised that I found men attractive, I don’t think I fully understood what that meant then, but I was definitely noticing them. I definitely don’t think this caused my feelings, but I read a book when I was in grade 4 from our church's library, I think it was called “Dead Cert” but I can’t seem to find references to a Christian book by that name. This booked showed me that 2 men could be in a relationship together, so maybe I wasn’t “wrong” … as I further grew up, I felt this pressure to act and behave in a certain way. Chop, split and stack wood, help work on cars with dad and do more masculine activities. I did it because I was told to and to a degree, I didn’t mind but think that was about who I was spending time with than the tasks we were doing.
Fast forward 13 years or so, after starting to deteriorate mentally (a story for another time), I had the first concrete inkling that I was even more different than I first thought. I was walking through the city of Hobart with a friend during one of our free periods at school. We were walking around, and I just had this feeling that I would make more sense as as a girl. I liked straight guys, and looking back, I should have known earlier. When playing with friends, I would take every opportunity to play the role of a female, put on a dress or skirt. I even spent the majority of my time at primary school hanging around with the girls – not that that’s an indicator, but I felt more of a connection with them on a social level.
By the time I had that feeling, I was starting to grow into leadership positions within the church and the pressure to live the standard life was increasing. No one ever had the “man to man” talk, but young kids observe what goes on around them and all I saw were Hetero-normal couples with families, houses, uniforms, faith in the right place. There seemed to be little room for deviation from this… so, I repressed the feelings and pursued the life I thought I wanted, to be right in the eyes of my family, the church and God.
- Please note that I don’t intend to get too preachy in this medium but church played a big part in my life, so it will come up from time to time.
There were definitely females that I found beautiful and thought this was enough to get me through the life long marriage thing. I dated a few and then, at the tender age of 20, met the woman I would marry.
I kind of did this bargaining thing with God. I won’t go to college (training school to become a Salvation Army Officer (minister)) until I got a tuba and a girlfriend… this was in June, by August, I had both…
I kept my end of the bargain and applied. I got rejected which, even though the way it was handled was not ideal, I think it was the right decision.
The next chapter saw me move to Melbourne, to follow love.
You’ll have to wait till next month to learn more about the next chapter, but if you would like to know more detail about my younger days, reach out via the contact form and, if there’s enough interest, I’ll write another post.
Till next month, stay safe!
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