Number 3, I didn’t think I would make it on time this month,
This past month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I did some thinking about when I came out to my parents. You know when an intense moment has passed and then you can actually process what when down? Yeah, that happened here.
When I told my parents that I was trans and that I was going to use the name they would have chosen for me had I been born a girl, mum said I didn’t have to, there was no special meaning behind it, it was just a name we needed as a back up (my paraphrase as I can’t remember word for word what was said). At the time, I thought nothing of it, but then processing started…
I felt like the identity I was trying to create was ripped out from under me. Once again, I didn’t know who I was anymore or who I wanted to be… what was the simplest solution? Push it all down and ignore it. Not trans, everything is fine. We al know how that narrative plays out. Needless to say, my mental health spiraled out of control. I decided I needed a new name. One that I could own and was completely me with no outside influence. Cue Georgia Grace.
This helped somewhat, I was getting back into wearing things that I wanted to (around the house at this stage) that was a plus. I started working from home more so I could do it too. Mental health was still crappy (work, finances etc all playing a part), but I was back on the journey I was meant to be on.
I feel more comfortable with my name choice now.
As hard as it is, I think it’s good to be put in a position of questioning yourself again after you’ve started the process. Helps reassure you that you are in the right path (or not if that’s the case for you). It’s hard and it sucks but the results help.
Today, I finally built my make up vanity that I had flat packed for a couple of months, new and still in the box. Now I have somewhere to practice.
Things in the trans journey are looking up, but the rest of my life is still a dog's breakfast small steps, right?
One of my friends has started a daily gratitude thing with me where we share the thing we are grateful for each day. I’ve always struggled with this in the past, but I’m doing my best to find at least one thing to be grateful for, no matter how small or trivial it might be to others. I’ll let you know how I go down the track and see if it helps me at all.
I think that’s the message I’d like you to take from this post.
Constantly question and explore, but make sure you have support networks around you to help when things get out of control. Life is hard enough to do on your own, let alone this journey that you find yourself on. Find your quality people and be there for each other. Friendship is a two-way street and when one struggles, the other is there to pick up the pieces and help them move forward.
You’ve got this! Reach out when you need and be there when you’re needed
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